diary entry 133

 sorry if i scared anyone with my last entry. i admitted myself to a psych unit

i was literally planning it out when the rehab i went to called me to check on me. i  admitted how i felt and they hooked me up with a psychiatric unit. however i had booked my ticket to see the TADC finale 2 months before so i went to that with my mom and it was AMAZING. i cried a lot.

then on saturday the 6th i went to the psych unit 1.5 hours away.

the place started off really nice! they had tvs in each clients rooms and had a nice set up. i went to detox first for 2 days because they detected the tiny bit of xanax i took the day before in my pee and had to watch me to make sure i wasnt addicted. i slept 16 hours and then got up and went to a group. met a really cute guy too

then on monday i was transferred to the mental health/dual diagnostic unit

everyone was SOOO nice and supportive and i felt really good for a while. they allowed vaping and cigarettes, and i could have my nintendo switch so i had my mom bring it eventually. i played like 20+ hours of tomodachi life and 4 hours of the thousand year door. i also got back into cigarettes , drew a bit, the food was.. okay. hit or miss. i got put on gabapentin and was able to get clonidine for my anxiety

but soon as more people came and went the vibe soured. the nurses werent the best and the place was heavily understaffed. i had a lottt of downtime between groups so i was bored a lot . watched a lot of trashy reality tv shows. and they gave me my testosterone too

i managed to use my phone for a bit a few days ago and M cut me off as a friend. i understand why because i wasnt the best to faer (using it as a therapist essentially, being inappropriate with my suicidal ideation and self harm stuff, not cutting that jackass off when everything originally happened, not getting help for my OCD) but it still stung. i knew it was gonna happen. i had dreams about it beforehand and was bugging out for DAYS. it hurts a lot but ill recover.

 also my job terminated me. my dad is talking to a law firm about it right now though??? idk. she said i could reapply but i know they wont rehire me.

then a jesus-obsessed christian girl joined who waas like "life starts at conception!!! abortion is bad!!" and she'd sing along really loudly to christian worship music. i liked her for 2 seconds until like. Yea.

i started getting angrier and angrier and wanted to AMA. they roomed me with a 40+ year old man who snored and breathed really loudly. yesterday i freaked out and banged my head against the wall and they got really upset and called a fucking ambulance and brought me to the hospital across the street where i was there for 5 hours. i didnt bring my copy of the electric kool-aid acid test which i was ready constantly.

eventually they said i could either go back to the unit and not AMA, or i could go home. my mom said it was okay so i took a $150 uber home (i got a final paycheck from my job aand my dad said he'd pay me back)  i was hoping i could have my mom pick me up so we could go shopping but its okay

the staff packed my stuff and forgot my fucking huge usb-c charger and my new copy of the electric kool-aid acid test which im peeved about. sighhh 

i might go to a pride event on sunday, gotta ask my mom about it

got home last night and smoked some cigs, took 1.2 grams of gabapentin staggered, felt good man. my bed is so much more comfortable. i slept for 8 hours straight. smoked a tiny bit of pot i had stashed away too and wasnt scared for once, but i think im done with weed for the moment.

i wanna live life again. planning to apply to portland maine school of art, make some big art projects, gonna look for a psychiatrist + OCD specialist and see my therapist soon, start going to alcoholics anonymous meetings again (met a dude at the unit who was a huge alcoholic whos my age and lives an hour away and said he'd bring me to AA meetings !!), start learning to drive again. gonna restart the drivers ed manual. also have some song remixes i wanna make

 but yeah. doing a lot better despite the circumstances, im glad to be back.