diary entry 57 [LONG]

​sorry been inactive!!

i was off for the past 2 days and uhhh ok this entry gonna be disjointed as Fuck i'm fawked up Rn ..Hellaa weeds and alcohol and "200mg" 7OH

i don't remember much from the 27th i had an appointment that day and i think it was the one where they told me i needed EVEN MORE BLOODWORK DONE DESPITE FORWARDING MY blood work i got done at my physical in december to the Lady. i was Peeved. 

i've been writing fanfictionnnnnNnn of rudy and prism i have 3 chapters done and it's totally is 4.8k words...... auuuu.... i'm so so excited to do more with them...... i'm gonna draw more stuff revolving the story SOOOON i have  1 art trade, 1 commission to do first.....

TODAY this really dope musician who archives Very Rare Music i'm fortunate enough to be mutuals with (and they look up to me too!) asked me if i had any more of the CDs from when my UK friend Caybee ran a Bandcamp net label and made cds of my comp i appropriately titled, "DEXTRONAUTICUS - THE GAY SEX COMPILATION" or whatever. Lucky for them, i had 2 copies left, both sealed! one was for me, but i offered to sell it to him and he paid $22 for it 😎😎😎 gotta ship that out tmrw

Also i still need to ship out M's and N's pants they both bought from me. my mom tried to ship them earlier but the post office was like. Nobody was there??? huh. so

I've started Judt. really preferring they/them pronouns. i Do Not like he/him that much anymore huruuugggvg

HIT 1 YEAR OF CONSECUTIVE TESTOSTERONE ON THE 27TH!!!!!!!!!! i drew art about it :D really really pleased with my body and feelings on The Hormones,, i Love my facial hair i Love my body hair ESPECIALLY TUMMY HAIR!!! i Love my. Not to be Crass But I Love MY TDICK!!! and i love Engaging in Self Relations and the zheightened sensations...... and my voice is still Kinda dropping maaaaybeee??? smiles warm

However....... well. that was my last dose from my vials. i had called walgreens about a refill a week or so prior, but when i called walgreens about it they said it wasn't filled and was Denied. so i called planned parenthood about it and discussed it they called me back some time later telling me it was cuz of Insurance Crap. and they were gonna call the Insurance about it . sigh ., i Do Not Know what i'll do if i don't get a refill soon :((( i know it won't be That big a deal but . Autism and Changing My Routine + Dysphoria Demons + THE HOT FLASHES I GET WHEN ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT WHEN IM LOW TESTOSTERONE LEVELS + Possibility of my PERIOD HAPPENING AGAIN, AUUUFH IT SCARES MEEE.

Let's see.. well. I remade my Telegram account . BUT THIS TIME NOT FOR DRUGS I SWEAR TO GOD!!! i joined a Lot of "local" furry chats. I also joined the one for Furcationland. I also uhhhh..... joined the stoner + NSFW FCL chats...... and been talking to a few people there (not sexually just chitchat) AND you will Never believe this  . Ok in september i was Down Bad and bought a week of grindr premium and started talking to this they/them Very Heavily Dog Therian stoner non-binary cutie from maine. i'm gonna refer to them as E. We traded discords but haven't been able to meet due to neither of us driving + distance. we drifted apart BUT are insta mutuals But ALSO. THEY JOINED ONE OF THE FCL CHANNELS AND I WAS like Oh do i know you?? and i told them my usernames and they were like omg. THEN they posted abt wanting a room to the roomie search, but said they might be getting their own room if things go right, and would let 1-2 people crash there. my ears immediately perked up

we started dming again and it's like we hadn't even drifted apart.. Hehehheeheh???

OH ALSO N IS LIKELY GONNA GO TO FCL WITH ME . LIKE  ACTUALLY. i'm so excited i could EXPLODE INTO 1938832928 PIECES‼️ it's gonna be Awesome Swag + GAY SEX HEAVEN PERHAPS?   ????

i talked to R about if i could Hook Up at the con and she said it was okay! So i smiled.

BUT ALSO UGHHHH i'm proud of myself for this but. i was eating my dinner and decided to let the cat out of the bag about going to FCL and she was Relieved it wasn't till april. But she started spouting Ignorant Stuff about furry cons because when i was 14 she chaperoned me at Anthro New England on a Sunday. in the afternoon. so diddly squat shit to do. plus i was 14 so i couldn't have Proper Fun. i just spent $60 on a badge of my fursona at the time (i sold that fursona to N i still need to find the badge among my Shit In My Room.) + a sewable patch that said HE/HIM that Mysteriously vanished from my backpack after i forgot it in there and my mom went through it....... Hmm!

Anyways. she was being Very stupid and actually Kinda gaslighting me no joke. about the furry con and my experience when i was 14 going. and I HAD HAD A VEEEEERY AGITATING DAY AS IS ill get into it in a second. But i was BPD splitting in my head at her over it So Bad i wanted to cuss her out SO FUCKING BAD!!! but literally 3 minutes passed and i was Genuinely over it. "Choices Made In Anger Cannot Be Undone." she gaslit me last night saying i sold the fur suit head i tried to make at 14 to someone when i didn't. it's either in the house or thrown out and even my dad agreed. It's funny, she gets mad at my dad for never apologizing or backing down, but she does it herself also... Curious! Anyways,

today was just. I took 1.5 7OH tablets last night . i had to get up today at 7:45 AM because i had an orientation/workshop at the unemployment office nearby. But they stimulated me and i could NOT sleep to save my LIFE. i laid there and couldn't sleep . so i essentially stayed up all night (i had like, at most, 15 minutes of solid sleep in that timeframe.) and took a shower and brushed my teeth to appear Presentable at the workshop. my dad and i left the house around 8:25

the orientation was blehhh just going over requirements instructions on how to do things and the rules and what Not to do and penalties etc etc  . i was the youngest person in that room Lmao. it was an hour and i focused for the first 20 mins then couldn't focus. then MY FUCKASS PSYCHIATRIST CALLS ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING. workshop . and tells me some BULLSHIT about not being able to see me or prescribe me medications despite having her as a psych for like. 2-3 months. Well being APArt of them i guess because i saw the old hag prohibitionist psych twice before she told me she was switching me to another one. and i found out that the next one was even More anti-drug. or some crap Honeslty i can't remember . but i hung up in anger around a minute in and was so Sick of the Fucking Psychiatrists. so during the Fucking orientation imessages the psych and was like, "is it possible to cease seeing the psychiatrist but continue seeing the therapist." so Yup back to square One of finding a psych :// god fuckingDammit. I feel like this is Supposed to happen and the universe has smth bigger in store for m.e so whatever

got home after that and slept lightly for 1-1.5 hours. i felt Marginally better after. i took caffeine and 7OH after waking up for real and got ready for work. my mom brought me and i was Almost late because ... she was running late. but i got there Just In Time.

work was . Ugh. it was my last shift yknow?? so i was just on register and price labeling the packets of the foil balloons along the wall (there are A Fuckton.) and checking customers out.

it was really weird. i was fine interacting with customers, but i kept getting really internally agitated and angry over Small Shit. i was kinda itchy from the 7OH too. i held myself together tho and worked to the best of my ability.

oh is this a good time to mention i did Not eat anything since the frozen pizza i made at 5 AM? mind u this is a 2-6 PM shift i'm working LOL

some customers really grinded my gears. The worst one was when i was gonna leave soon and this lady paid for a $40 purchase with a $100 bill. upon opening the cash drawer, i realized i had no more 20s , and only a couple 10s and like At Most 7 5s. so i had to call my assistant manager to help and he Genuinely took 10 minutes to grab the cash out of the safe or whatever. it was so awkward. and pissed me off a bit. luckily thank God there was NO LINE. i tried making small talk. it was just. Ugh. idk

Oh also. i had to wait an extra Hour to take my 15 minute break. Because it was just me and my assistant manager after one of the managers left, and it was against the law to let me go on break i had heard. i had to wait for 2 of my coworkers to come in. Finally they did! i was so excited to listen to music! However, when i pulled my earbuds out of my pocket of pants, one of the rubber things for cushioning them in ur ears had pulled off the earbud and it fell on the floor. This is Genuinely like, one of my top 3 Nothingburger ways to make me INFURIATED. LUCKILY, i had extras in my purse, but the first one didn't fit the earbud and it was Hard to put it on with the bigger one. setting up to Just listen to music on loop ate up at LEAST 3 minutes. like. fuck?????? tbh i just stayed for an extra 5 mins. My Last Day My Rules.

finally work was over and my coworkers said it was very nice to work with me and they wished me the best of luck!!!

my mom went to walmart before picking me up and had gotten me a 8% ABV strawberry margarita tall boy to celebrate being done with work!!! and she went to the reselling store and got me this sanrio zip up hoodie in my size And a rainbow shawl thing 🥹🥹🥹 that helped cheer me up a lot

i got home took more 7OH started Sippin Da Booze chatted on discord. got the last of my Potent 32% THCA weed from my mom and Due to ADD , it took 1 Hour to feel motivated enough to get up, grind it up, and go to the bathroom to smoke it. but i am Still really high with a Some weed left in my lil pill bottle...... IM GETTING 10 GRAMS TMRW THOOOO 3 mystery Strain Eighths.. smiles!

on Saturday i might hang out with O >:) he places to come over!!! i Gotta clean tmrw...

TO DO LIST FOR FEBRUARY:

1. Dani's art trade
   
2. Macs commission
   
3. Make another zine
   
4. drawing of Warning Post Redaction side characters and cosplays (from the kind they wore in the story i'm writing) they are wearing
   
5. read the unemployment New Hampshire book online. (i got a picture of it at the orientation/workshop)
   
6. CHAPTER 4 WARNING POST REDACTION‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
   
7. make kandi for FCL :3

NOW THAT I DONT WORK. I AM GONNA PLAy SUPER TOYS..........

Misc Events:

• went to goodwill yesterday and found an DOPE comfortable as Hell masculine T shirt. i also got this Awesome bright colored striped sweater with bright yellow cuffs + collar that was XXL and sooooo comfortable.
• made a group chat for me, R, and N
• drew art of N i am so fucking Proud of .
• ankfkdlsloso
• GAY. i'm So so proud of my bisexuality and have been calling myself Le Fagdyke recently . And i'm polyamorous. i'm Relishing in being polyam!!!!!!!!!! it's Fun!!!!! it's Swag!!!! sorry for making fun of U polyam people before i was unaware of your game...
• i'm in LOVE AGAIN AND ITS AMAZING!!!
• i talked to my ex today a bit! he was talking about switch 2 games
• IM SOOOOO EXCITED FOR TOMODACHI LIFE SEQUEL.,, I NEEEEED TO LOOK FKR MY FUCKIIN SWITCHBHHAJHHHH i Know it's in the house but it's in a box from when i moved back from Arizona.
• my visual has had light rainbow visuals overlaid my vision for some time now from the weed and high dose 7OH i took lmao. alc ain't helping either.

also: my thoughts on QPP stuff i typed up to C:

"Idgaf about what people think abt QPPs and aroace shit and polyamory and what the fuck have you. "'qpps' is just best friends!1!1! you're just best friends!!1!1!" or "just date them!!1!" Wrong. this experience of love , in QPP relationships i have found, Ascend further than what i've experienced in purely romantic(+)sexual relationships. it's not like when i was with [F]. it's not like when i was with [B] (yea ok me and [B] started as qpps but i'm gonna get to a point on that in a sec) i'm communicating clearer than before and not as BPD insane and i'm more flexible and chill. Part of the reasoning behind this i feel is Because i am on good meds, been thru intensive therapy + rehab, but also... trying to be Qpps when ur teenagers over the internet will Always likely end in a 90% chance of a dumpster fire. Teenagers don't know shit about love. let's be so fr. Like yes childhood/teenhood-formed relationships CAN last into happily ever afters, but most of the time, it doesn't last. being in a QPP relationship as an adult with prior relationship experience (or hell, even with none maybe?) is so much better to handle than a high stakes "conventional" relationship. i feel great. she feels great. we have boundaries that transcend normal neurotypical cishet human ideals about Romance and Sexual Love.

"like. Yes i kiss/make out with [R] and cuddle/spoon. But i consider us QPPs and not formally dating. because it feels more "strings-free" and less... idk how to explain it? like. i love this. it makes me happy and brightens up my life. sometimes i'm not sexually attracted to anyone or romantically (i consider myself gray asexual and gray aromantic nowadays) but despite that robin feels Safe and Home-y to be with despite how i feel occasionally. idk"

we Always ask each other what we wanna do next and communicate Very clearly. i love it. It's so fun!!!!!!! i'm so happy to have them in my life!!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!

AND THATS IT FOLKS THANKS IF YOU READ THIS FAR‼️🩷🌈