diary entry 58

 so basically i woke up at  1 pm yesterday and realized i missed my therapy appointment and i beat myself up over it and went back to bed. i proceeded to sleep all day and night only being up for like 30 minutes at most.

im sliding back into depression and moodiness UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i think im having rebound from my  ketamine journeys helping my depressive symptoms and now its like. Wearing off,. and i Could be having one of my Phantom Periods (ive been on testosterone long enough to not bleed  at all but ill get the emotional symptoms about suicidality and depression and fatigue and mood swings too)

today i got up at 11 am for real i did some unemployment bullshit and job hunted. i applied to a few jobs and have an interview on the 4th at a convenience store sorta nearby.

im artistically burnt out. i tried drawing that nsfw commission i needed to do and i couldnt get the pose how i wanted it  to and i sorta split and refunded the $15 to the guy despite only having $30 in my acct and was like i cant do this im sorry the pose is pissing me off. Luckily we discussed it and i can try again with a diff characters + pose and he wont pay till after i finish

i was really angry and frustrated with myself a few hours after waking  up i did take a shower and tried to reply to people and emails and jobhunt and be a Member of Society. but i started having borderline symptoms so i said FUCK IT despite the big dose of caffeine capsules i took i still felt fatigued so i slept for like an hour and woke up feeling a lot better. i honestly was contemplating suicidality and self harm crap before i fell asleep so im glad im better now

i just

feel really behind again and sorta hopeless. i mean when i woke up one of my friends from my server sent me $20??? i thanked them abt it. and im not like. As tired as yesterday. but i feel creatively burnt out. i dont wanna engage in making stuff for right now i guess.

i cant be suicidal though there is just. i cannot die. i am not fit to die yet or anytime in the near or far future. theres so much im looking forward to. and ive been clean from SH since june 2024, i need to make it to 2 years.

i got high before writing this entry (3 bong bowls of good indica weed that came in yesterday) and felt some anxiety and apprehension and fear about writing this entry while listening to brother sport by animal collective. but writing it made a weight lift off my shoulders. so thats as best as i can do, i guess.