diary entry 82

​i broke up with R yesterday. she took it very well. i'm not IDing as polyam or what have you anymore either

yesterday sucked and my mom went with me to drive up and down the neighborhood street and i almost freaked out. i left the car shaking

i got my medications refilled including my mirtazapine i had run out 2 weeks or so before and taking it again made me feel a bit better. stayed up till 1:30 AM watching youtube

woke up at 11 am or something today and did my unemployment claim, applied to 4 jobs, took a shower and brushed my teeth, made my bed with new sheets, put laundry in the laundry room, put water bottles and cans in trash bag, listed some stuff on depop.

my mom and i went to wolfeboro so she could get chocolate but they had closed at 4 so we went to the bakery and i dropped a package of kandi off in the mailbox

we went to the church and i drove around. i went a bit too fast at first and started panicking and freaking out but i persevered and drove around using blinkers and parked a few times and it was better than i expected. i just got home from that

on wednesday the 18th i am possibly going to keene for a night or 2 and i'm gonna see my brother and go shopping. 

i kinda wanna relapse into self harm even though i've been clean since june 20 2024 and i'm wishing i was dead but it's okay