diary entry 129

MASSIVE SELF HARM TW + GRAPHIC THOUGHTS MENTIONED

​i don't want to fully talk about today i've been up since 11 am on 3-4 hours of sleep and took benzedrex right after waking up for work and i worked 6 hours and my mom started hella shit w me on the ride home and then it turned into a hugeeee fight and my dad got in on it and hlibhad the worst BPD episode i've had in an extremely long time

it wasn't safe for me to be there not because they were gonna hurt me I was gonna hurt THEM if i stayed. i texted O and R asking if i could stay over for the night but i couldn't so i asked my coworker from michael's even tho i hadn't heard from them in a while but surprisingly they said yes and i packed some shit (didn't bring my meds tho cuz i didn't wanna see my parents) (switch ipad chargers deodorant work clothes (they're taking me to work tmrw) regular clothes socks etc) and sat outside for 20 mins waiting for them and cooling off and they came w their mom. they offered me an order from mcdonald's which was very nice but i just had dinner in my room so i declined

i got to their house and i was immediately welcomed in and we went up to their room i visited during the winter but hadn't been since. they have 6 cats they're all soooo cute

we shot the shit for like 2 hours straight it was great and i was smiling and laughing.. they wanted to go to bed so im sitting on the bottom bunk of their bed and typing this out in the dark. i yapped their ear off abt my HRT journey lmao dried my throat out. 

i'm gonna stay for a night or two. my mom never asked me about where i went to i temp blocked my dad, sent a long message to my mom about my whereabouts, and temp blocked her too.

i dont know. im super grateful but i did some bad shit while stark raving mad at home. my grandma sent me a bday card with..  a $50 TJmaxx card. i never shop there and had $1 in my account. i ripped up the card for that also for the fact it said granddaughter and was all pink.  i spent 10 mins retrieving blades from a razor for my face and slicing my right thigh like fucking crazy it took forever to stop bleeding. I threw shit all over my room. because my mom called me a child which is a huge trigger for me. and when i went up to get dinner my dad yelled and berated me and said some bullshit. so i ate in my bed. 

i haven't felt that rageful in so long and. ow i feel a lot better. Coworker let me hit some of their joint too i only took like 5-7 hits tho but anyways i genuinely was posting about killing my parents and starting to form a. plan and i knew that was awful so that's why im at my coworkers house. and its helping. i got to their place and played tomodachi life and shit

my memory is sliding downhill super bad and i was ruminating at work all day about my evil ex friend who i was traumabonded to and i was angry at it. 

my birthday was a reprieve from this crap and now it's starting again. fuck me dude