diary entry 132

 havent written in days, heres me catching up

today i woke up to a nasty message from roshan essentially saying i deserved my poor mental health because i didnt fucking immediately cut jack off and its fucking with my head. ive been much more suicidal and contemplating killing myself next month. jesus fucking christ its still fucking haunting me and i feel fukcing atrocious

i did my T shot not too long ago. i fucking hope it helps

i didnt write on the 3rd because i impulsively took a lot of my meds, including my trileptal XR, to cope. i even snorted mirtazapine. i woke up so dizzy i could barely walk, and went to the bathroom. when i came back to my room i fell and smashed my nose against my doorframe and bled on my floor. i proceeded to sleep in 1-1.5 hour increments and id wake up and vomit acid and bile in a bag before going back to sleep. i was so fucking dizzy. i ended up going to the ER and getting IVs and bloodwork done. nothing was wrong. i was scared it was hantavirus or my gallbladder but it wasnt thank god. i didnt properly call out of work apparently and "no call no showed" so i got a verbal warning about it when i finally went back to work yesterday

i didnt tell anyone i essentially overdosed on my meds except when i saw my therapist yesterday morning. she thinks i should get further help and go back to rehab or a psych ward. she pushed me to finish my crisis plan so i did that. i need a new fucking psychiatrist

i went back to work for the first time in 4 days yesterday and misty acted cold to me for most of my whole shift it seems. i fucking hate myself. i felt hollow and suicidal for most of the day.

i managed to get through my shift and misty got nicer as time went on. im getting 2 new bakery managers soon so hopefully it acts like a fresh start

i went home and called my server and mac for a while, but my voice is croaky and barely usable because of vomiting acid and bile so much. i started working on my tomodachi life screencaps compilation and it took HOURS to make because i had so much footage + vegas kept glitching out. i just now mightve gotten it  on youtube

i managed to draw for the first time in a while last night, something i owed. the person loved it thankfully

i got the last of the temu bullshit i ordered while hypomanic yesterday and its nice.

i smoked weed for the first time since rex's last night. it made me really anxious but then motivated. i didnt even smoke the whole blunt only half.

i wanted to buy booze and razors at my job yesterday so bad but i didnt

tonight im going to portsmouth and seeing the last TADC episode shit at the theater + getting dinner and such. im gonna shower soon and get dressed for all of that. the showing isnt until 9:45 PM so im not leaving for a while

i hung up the string lights i got and it was soooo difficult but i did it

im just. so fucking done with everything. i want to kms in july and i wanna write a note and shoot myself inthe woods. but im trying to stay alive even though many want me dead including myself. i am literally only alive for tomodachi life and some selected friends i have. i feel so bad constantly. i need alcohol mroe than i thought. this shit sucks. it all sucks. i took my caffeine and mood stabilizer while typing this up i hope they help. fuck me dude