diary entry 136

 took a bunch of mirtazapine last night after dinner and watched my friend play hylics for a while before i started feeling nauseous and exhausted. went to bed and slept for like 10-12 hours. i dreamt about trump dying and everyone partying and celebrating and i woke up pissed off that it was just a dream LOL

woke up and got on my laptop to work on my new remix and finished it! it sounds really good (i think) and i sent it to river's server and she said she'd like to have it on a compilation of music under her new label alias. C also said it sounded great which made me happy

its been raining a lot today.

i sold a shirt on depop and sent it out today too 

my parents had a fight last night and i got my mom to shave my undercut again but she didnt do it very well. today me and my dad left around 2:30 PM and i went to get my hair cut properly because its been super frizzy and the dead ends were fucked up. i got it cut quickly and it turned out really nice! i only had to pay $29 for it (thats with a $7 tip) too. i have like $120 until i start working again oops

after the hair cut my dad and i went to the antique store and i found a halloween furby in box, never opened, but it was $85... damn. we left and on the way home we almost got into a car crash and my dad acted fucking crazy about it. then we went to hannafords where i smoked 2 cigs and got a mountain dew. i wanted to steal dxm but didnt.  i ALMOST stole some yesterday because my dad and i went to the gas station so i could get some cigs + went to hannafords for some groceries but i got too nervous and refrained. ALSO yesterday my dad drove us all through pittsfield to show me where he used to live and stuff. pretty dead town tbh. i also got a hot fudge sundae after

 today i got accepted into community college and set up my orientation (july 8 @ 8:30 AM) and booked a zoom appointment with a counselor??? advisor??? for the 15th at 3 pm. i also found out my new psych appointment is actually the 24th at 11 AM not the 26th so im happy about that

waiting to go back into work and do shit again. i neeeed to work on getting my license again ESPECIALLY before i go to school if im gonna be working and doing classes at the same time. my mom said next year when my brother graduates she wants to get a new car and give me/my brother the old BMW shes been using since 2016. my brother is Not motivated to get his license so itll likely go to me.

im probably gonna crack open the drivers ed manual after i shower. once i got home after getting my hair cut i got some rubber gloves and dyed it blue. its setting in right now and im gonna shower in 20 mins. i took a 200mg caffeine once i got home too. im HOPING really fucking hard i can get on concerta or vyvanse with my new psychiatrist and actually get motivation to do shit again. im sick of caffeine like actually. ive only been abusing benzedrex because i havent had adhd meds. if i had adhd meds i wouldnt need to extract disgusting lavender menthol shit and have a bad comedown.

im also thinking about going on memantine. my mom thinks its a "russian nootropic weird drug" when it was literally invented in the USA for alzheimers like...... okay. but ive used memantine before and its helped my mood and focus. i have some online articles to send to my psych regarding off  label use of memantine as well. my friend sproo uses memantine sparingly for her adhd and she said it works great!

tomorrow im hoping to go out with my mom to the mall and shit. im so tired of being on my laptop sober 24/7. i need my fucking license so i can go out and do shit andhave fun. go to raves and meet people and shit. im so done with being confined to my room all day. my mom asks me to hang out upstairs more but theyre always watching fox news talking about the evil transgenders and iranians and praising orange hitler. sigh

but yea. gonna try to draw tonight too