diary entry 157

​today and yesterday started off well but turned kinda bad.

yesterday i woke up and went to work, 2-8. i worked with gale who was nicer than before. but i got super irritable around the middle of my shift and it wouldn't let up. and then i vomited bile in the bathroom near the end of my shift. i haven't been throwing up as frequently recently, but still. i got home and ate dinner and drank the rest of my vodka. felt better after getting home.

made plans with brooke to hang out at her place overnight on tuesday to wednesday, since i thought id have both those days off. but i found out today i work wednesday (not tuesday. it's because i originally asked for friday off for my psychiatrist appointment, but then realized i could make it to work after my psych appointment, but my manager had already put in for the time off.)

my day was going Really Good at the beginning like i made my bed really nice and started a sketch for a commission and put on bracelets and a choker and additional necklace. and i found out this old 3XL tank top chest binder i had still fit, so i wore it in today. and the beginning of my shift was decent. but then i found out about wednesday, then i had to add on to a rack i had already put away, and i got really pissed off. and then after gale went home, these customers came in asking about these cupcakes they ordered and i couldn't find them and they were getting pissed. i had to ask someone for my managers phone number and texted her, and i freaked out and ran to the bathroom to hide out and i was late for my lunch. but a higher up found out they were at the Drive Up And Go department, and it got sorted out. but still.

and after my lunch (i ate a cup noodle) i started getting very nauseous. i was dreading going to the trash compactor to throw the trash away because it always smells terrible in there and i didn't wanna vomit. i took 3 pepto bismol tabs and didn't end up throwing up, though. and i didn't need to finagle the trash room too hard. very relieved about that.

my dads cousin from germany was supposed to come today, and dropped the news very late, so my parents got stressed cleaning the house. but turns out she's coming tomorrow now, so that's good. but my mom told me to shave my face (neckbeard + mustache) so last night i showered and used conditioner for once, shaved my face, and clipped my nails.

i'm going to weirs beach after work (i leave in like 13 mins) to see the fireworks, and my mom is bringing me a change of clothes. that's good also.

okay im leaving the best part for last. but last night i woke up at 3 AM, and when i wake up i usually pee, check my phone really quick, and hit my vape then go back to sleep. but N was texting me and he had taken shrooms. he was being veryyyy affectionate. i texted a bit and fell back asleep, then woke up at 5 AM to more messages.

we talked for like an hour and i made a cheap totinos pizza and ate it. he was telling me how much he loves me romantically, and how he kinda wants to be with me still, but he had a shitty ex boyfriend he broke off with a month or so ago, which hindered stuff. but oh my GOD it made me so fucking happy. we've been kinda mutually insane about each other for a while; when i was with F i wanted to be polyam with him and N, but F didn't want that. i cut off contact with N for 2-3 months so i could get over my insane mutual crush on him, and it worked, but i also buried my feelings really reallyyyy deep.

i confessed i was in love with him a few months ago, while he was with his shitty ex, and he declined it very heavily and felt hurt. but last night while he was on shrooms and alcohol and weed he opened up about a lot of stufff. it was so beautiful. it made me so fucking happy. he told me we should have a big discussion when we're both sober, which i agree with  

he texted me today after coming down/waking up and was like "ahhh i'm so embarrassed" but i thought it was fine. we've been texting on and off during my shift; he showed me his (now deceased) pet lobster he had before he met me and stuff!

i kinda just really wanna be with him too. i am with max and R, but also i still admittedly have a big fat crush on N. and i'm so happy things developed like this. i hope something big comes out of it. omg

anyways, off i go to clock out, change in the bathroom, and watch fireworks. tata for now!!!