diary entry 120

​tw: self harm, R slur, NSFW talk

well. what a crazy few days it's been. hadn't taken my meds properly for a few days because i kept popping kpins and staying up for 27 hours straight on benzedrex and klonopin. my assistant manager at my job had noticed i was being distant and quiet and kept asking about it in worry for me. i told them im fine just locked in.

finished off my kpins and been doing drugs. my memory of the past 3 days is spotty. 

yesterday was one of the worst days i've had in a long time. it started off good aside from vomiting 3 times after waking up! i dressed myself up nice with bracelets and a necklace i love and nice smelling body spray and felt good. i went to work and then was kinda down. i was looking forward for my lunch so i could go to CVS and get benzedrex. i got criticized when i clocked in because i didn't close right the night before (didn't clean well enough) which made me a bit rejection sensitive dysphoria.

so i go on my lunch and run to cvs. they had no benzedrex. i was kinda mad so i walked out and walked to the gas station along that street to see if they had any sketchy pills or something. and my fucking mom drives up next to me in the truck because she was returning from church and she was suspicious and was like "why are you going to the gas station?" and i was irritated as fuck and snapped a bit but backed off. she gave me a banana and i ate it because i hadn't eaten during the day then she drove off.

i go to the gas station. there's nothing there. so i decide to walk a mile to the vape shop next to the dairy queen. keep in mind, my lunch is only 30 mins long. i was planning to just get an uber after the vape shop. so i walk uphill in 70F heat sweating my ass off and get to the vape shop. as i'm entering i start to book an uber and i loook around. they don't have anything i want and there aren't any ubers running and i have 10 mins till i gotta get off my break, and the walk back would take 20 mins.

i'm starting to panic so i ask the dipshit at the vape store if he could possibly drive me the 3 minute drive back to my job and i'd pay him. he says no. fucking dickbag. so i start walking back.

i passed by the dairy queen and there was this ugly fucking couple. a 30 smth year old woman with inch thick makeup trying so hard to look younger than she is with a 50 something year old man subtly groping her ass and hes butt ugly. i'm desperate at this point so i ask "hey can you drive me to shaws ill pay you" these fucking selfish douchebag CUNTS have the literal AUDACITY to say, i quote, "no we're getting ice cream :)" i was SO fucking mad. THE FUCKING AUDACITY. LIKE YOU CAN IUST DROP ME OFF AND GO RIGHT BACK ITS LITERALLY A LESS THAN 5 MINUTE DRIVE.

so panicking fully now i start my trek back to shaws. im in pain and sweaty. i have 5 mins left to get back and im 15 mins away. i called the store and told them id be late because im essentially stranded and need to hike back. they said it was fine but i know it wasnt. 

i get back and internally am stark raving mad. i'm alone at this point at the bakery too because my assistant manager went home. i go in the corner after clocking back in and sit on the floor and write up a post for r/DextroDoomers on reddit venting about what happened because it's drug related.

and this fucking cunt (which is too nice of a word to describe how awful he was) with a fucking blank account simply commented "retard retard" on the post. i deleted the post and fucking snapped. i grabbed one of the box cutters, went to the bathroom, and relapsed and cut for the first time since june 20 2024. i cut the shit out of the left shoulder and started bawling. i don't cry much anymore due to testosterone so you KNOW it was serious.

i go back to the bakery and i feel dopey. i took tianeptine before work and took the rest before my lunch and threw the pill bottle out. im on my phone freaking out and the closing manager, sally, who im somewhat close with kept bugging me about getting off of my phone and told me id have to put it in my locker if i was caught again that day. she told me this before i cut myself. when i returned to the bakery i was crying and she asked me if i was okay and i said no and spilled what happened and told her i cut myself and showed her and told her i had been having a bipolar episode recently and not been taking my meds. she immediately softened up and got sympathetic because her sister is bipolar as well. she told me i could go home. i put the bagels i was working on away and cleaned up a bit and texted my mom to come get me and i called her and told her i relapsed.

after that i clocked out and waited for my mom in the break room still feeling dopey. my mom arrived and she brought me to wendy's because all i ate was a banana and a protein bar i think. i got a baconator and watermelon lemonade as well as fries. i ate this exact meal a few days before but it was delicious this time around.

i texted my assistant manager, misty, about the whole thing too and they were very nice about it. they told me i could go home too.

i didn't buy booze on the way out even though i wanted to so so so bad. i'm proud of myself for that.

so i get home and immediately take my meds. i get changed into comfortable pajamas and take 7OH and some seroquel as well. i relax in bed and start feeling much better. then O and i called for the first time in a while and talked about a lot of stuff; i explained the friend group fallout i had recently, informed him about my day, he was super nice about everything. and turns out he has tuesday off, and i do tooo, so hes gonna come over on tuesday! we haven't hung out outside of work in like over a month! so i'm really excited about that. i ran out of my 150mg weed gummies but he said he'll give me some green apple ones when he comes over as a sort of payback too because he still owes me $50 for some clothes i sold to him and i've been really patient about it.

i started getting tired so i hopped off call and went upstairs to eat some ice cream. and hell breaks loose.

i'm admittedly slurring my words because i'm wiped out from the day and my medications and 7OH i took. my mom starts freaking out and swearing and yelling at me and demanding to go through my room. i start getting very angry. she follows me to my room and goes through my purse (which had NOTHING bad in it. thank fuck i threw out the tianeptine pill bottle at work holy shit) and she chews me out for slipping back into how i was before rehab and using too much and becoming addicted again and all this crap i don't care about. she's also like "is O going to be bringing you fucking drugs on tuesday?!" i crashed the fuck out over all of this on discord. shortly after we fought i couldn't keep my eyes open anymore so i go to bed and fall asleep within 5 mins. 

slept 7 hours and woke up groggy but checked my phone and shit. misty had called me and left a voice mail saying i didn't need to come in today and to just take a mental health day off. i felt much much better when i woke up and texted asking if they were sure? and they said it's okay and to just relax and draw outside because it's super warm out. so i decide to take it easy, especially since i had a lot of art backlogged i wanted to work on too.

honestly i'm glad i stayed home. i did some very intensive self care, like:

• my mattress protector and sheets were completely off of my bed and bunched up at the foot of it, so i put the protector back on and put clean sheets on, and put my thick comforter in the laundry room because it hadn't been washed in quite a while. 
• called for refills of my medications because i ran out of mirtazapine and had a few of the others left
• took a WONDERFUL shower. i also used a conditioner i hadn't used before and i loved it a lot. stepping out of the hot humid shower into the cool bathroom air gave me a surge of "feel good" too
• put on some clean clothes that made me feel good. not pajamas, a t shirt and jeans actually. 
• i ate some crackers with cream cheese and some brownies and drank water

i felt very tired and tried to nap for a bit, but i kept having to pee every 5-10 mins even though i had not drank much before this. it peeved me because i was super sleepy. i think i might've actually slept for 15 mins tho? i put on a longer album to rest to and i don't remember it ending but it did at some point, and i felt a tad bit more energized, even if not by much.

i worked on art, did a NSFW art trade (because the other person finished their side and wOW IT WAS REALLY REALLYYYY GOOD) and they LOVED my piece! and i finished a sketch for a nsfw commission for mac, now i gotta line and color it when i have more energy (i might try napping again after i post this entry)

i saw something on reddit that made me angry but i got over it pretty quickly which is good !

i've also been engaging in fetish stuff today, feels pretty good and making me happy. i can't jerk off due to 7OH but i got that kink mindspace going on and its pleasurable.

OH ALSO i OFFICIALLY don't have to work on my birthday!!!!! which made me super happy!!! i'm gonna have FUN...

i also was in a voice call for 3 hours today which was fun!

i feel so so so much better and work tomorrow WILL be good. it'll only be like 5 hours long too which will be good.

i'm still sad i relapsed though. i was soooo close to hitting 2 years clean, but this has been my longest clean streak from cutting since i was 12 so. shrugs

but yea. other than that we ball. yay